(Wish I had his imagination and sense of humour!!)
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,
from the local Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Harris:
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
> We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
> Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
> 6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
EMTs were called.
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
> 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
> And last, but not least:
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.